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02:23 | pwd survey
this week has been so physically and spiritually taxing which left me so depressed for me to look for comfort from cans of pale pilsen and chicken inasal. who wouldn't be if one is to talk with persons with disabilities (PWDs) everyday for a week, and hear stories of how their disabilities have disempowered them? every time an interviewee cries because of standard questions raised by my PWD partner, like "are you looking for work?" or "have you received any help from...?", all i can do is to look away, else i wouldn't be able to suppress my laugh, which, although a coping mechanism, may offend the person. many interviewees reported not having incurred any expense related to their disability, e.i. medicine, therapy, medical check-up, transportation, although they should have been spending for these expenses but have not because of the fact that medicine, therapy and medical check-up cannot be accommodated in a budget shared with the rest of the household.
the tuesday and wednesday operations were the worst days. my partner and i were only able to interview one mobility impaired person on tuesday despite me walking kilometers--and i'm not laughing--under the heat of the sun to verify the existence/condition of persons on my PWD list from the 2000 census of population and housing. many on the list were either dead or had moved out of the address. wednesday's weather was tuesday's extreme opposite. whereas tuesday was sunny and dry, wednesday was so wet and cold. heavy rain slowed my team, composed by two hearing impaired persons, one mobility impaired person and his personal assistant, a driver and me, and we we're only able to survey one deaf person who does not know how to converse in (standard?) sign language. i, tasked to interview mobility impaired persons together with my PWD partner, reported having interviewed noone that day. as i was was walking under the rain with my pants, socks and shoes wet to verify my PWD list for both hearing and mobility sub-teams i was muttering "this is love."
fortunately, the week is not only composed of tuesdays and wednesdays. i and my mobility impaired partner were able to reach our target number of PWD interviewees. ninoy would have been proud to know that people are working on his day--out of "love"--just to reach that target. we had met many PWDs whose positive vibes had been so infectious to tide us over rough and challenging times of the operation.
this week has both been a humbling and rewarding experience. it is humbling because i was able to see, even just for a glimpse, the real conditions of PWDs; rewarding as this experience has enriched me as a person. no offer for a fancy job title or amount of money can replace being part of a team where wheelchair-bound persons walk more straight and deaf-mute persons speak more fluently than the rest of the group. however, i would rather drink my beer alone deep in depression than hang out with the rest of the team in morato to toast for a week well spent.
18:22 | series of unfortunate events
between zafra and shakespeare
11.09.05. i almost kissed you while we were walking between shelves and shelves of books this afternoon at SM North. during that moment I care not of what others would say or feel or see. almost.
i have not kissed you. i should have. to feel your soft lips, to smell your sweet breath, to be enveloped with the closeness of a kiss–-your kiss-–is heaven. it is ecstasy beyond any reason. beautiful. pure.
today, i have not. maybe tomorrow. i will.
victory xxxx
10.16.05. today i have died-–again-–like the many times i have died every time i see you leave. i have cried–-again-–like the many times i have cried before.
for all your worth
10.28.05. i have fallen into your eyes. so beautiful yet so sad. your face lights up with your every smile. so child-like. so innocent. yet i know you are not.
i love you. at least i used to.
12:15 | flirting with heaven
mass suicide
06.06.05. dahil sa pagsangayon ng tunay na mga kaibigan; dahil sa isang nakangiting bata; dahil sa supportive na mga magulang; dahil sa ganda ng ulan; dahil sa lovelife ni kris aquino; dahil sa mga kanta ng eraserheads; dahil sa large sprite at chicken joy with extra rice; dahil sa bughaw na langit; bakit ikaw hindi ka pa nagpapakamatay?
burnt lips
12.01.05. i am a novice of this art.
it started as a dare by my cousin, Edz. i was feeling rebellious at that time. lost in a pool of intellectuals. angry with the world. numb, indifferent even, of love and hate and joy and sadness. sadness. lost. maddened by the insanity of a world i cannot comprehend.
we started with a stick each. no big deal. but she left hers unfinished. i did mine. and all the other sticks we bought that night.
the first lungful was alien. but i liked it. warm. different from the coldness, the hollowness that I was feeling. what follows. the next inhales, and the subsequent exhales, were temporary escape from the traffic of life.
red. fire. tobacco and paper burning. uniting as one. for an end purpose. ash and smoke? lifted by air. carried elsewhere. ash. and smoke. alighting. free at last. mingling. like bodies. with the world. my world. inside. then out. as its life is consumed. as my life is. together. in hell.
under the immense sky. the stars were witness to a child. lost. still lost. but with a death stick that will kill him someday.
sanctum ritus
10.21.05. like a caring mother that he will never be, Sanctum Ritus will love you as his own. as a father, he will guide you to be the lord you are destined to be. the Sanctum Ritus makes gods, even gods of evil and of death.
the Sanctum Ritus expects your full trust and energy. but life is always a perfect gift. honor thy god with blood: mourn if it is from a brother, rejoice if it is from his taker.
love thy brother as your own. stand by him right or wrong. whatever you do, the god is the only law. amen.
15:03 | españa cor. vicente cruz
11.06.06. dalawang gusgusing bata ang hinahabol ng isang sikyong nakasuot ng matingkad na asul na uniporme. tumawid bigla ang isang bata. muntik nang masagasaan ng air-con na bus. nadapa naman ang kaniyang kasama sa pagkakaharibas ng sikyo ng kaniyang palad na bumagsak sa batok ng paslit. tumapon sa bangketa ang piniritong isdang bitbit ng bata. umiiyak--ang bata. hinablot siya ng sikyo sa kuwelyo at marahas na kinaladkad pabalik sa turo-turo kung saan niya inumit ang sana ay pananghalian nilang mag-anak.
ang sabi sa karatula kung saan nangyari ang lahat: libreng panambak: "free sando".
08:57 | [untitled]
dahil walang pangalan ang mga mukhang nakakasalubong sa bawat pagdausdos ng sandali sa kahabaan ng recto habang naglalakad patungong line 2 ng lrt wala ring kakilanlan ang sinong batang nakahiga sa ilalim ng poste ng line 1 sa avenida kung saan muntik na akong mabundol kasama ang aking mahal na mani na binili sa tabi ng pgh ng isang nagraragasang motorsiklong nahuli ng nakabantay na pulis. kung sana ang mga basang debuho ng gumamela ni atienza sa kahabaan ng taft ay magbibigay lamig sa tuyong labi ng uhaw na batang nagtitinda ng puto/puke sa katanghaliang tapat sa may bantayog ni rizal hindi sana nakahandusay ang isang bata sa ilalim ng line 1 sa avenida habang ako ay naglalakbay sa kahabaan ng recto para sumakay sa isa sa mga imported na tren sa line 2 ng lrt.
amicus brief: this is a repost from my previous blog, published 22.02.07.
