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21:31 | ciento

along traffic
-congested north avenue, a child carrying a school bag weighing almost double his own angled his cat-eyes on the driver of a dilapidated jeepney that plies the same road where the child and i, the nameless and faceless audience, are waiting for a ride home. the child was hesitant, but asked the sweaty driver, anyway, “puwede po maki-angkas hanggang mcdo?” all eyes on the driver who stared on the child.
“hindi.”
another rebuttal, but the child walked on to the next jeepney--to the next jeepney driver--hoping that a free ride will save some coins for rice.

i keep
or, should i say, i stole a missive from my mother which i know she will never miss.

Manila - March 6, 1981


Dear…,
… Kamusta kayong lahat diyan? ...
… Huwag magpapalipas ng gutom. Kumain sa oras para hindi sumasakit ang sikmura. …
… Magpapamisa na lang tayo at kaunting salu-salo for the family. …
… Regards na lang sa inyong lahat diyan. …

Love and kisses,
Nanay


P.S. May padala akong: matamis, mongo, nido, milo, vetsin, paminta, 2 mayonnaise, cheddar cheese, 1 can tinapay, chopped ham

i miss the lola ganda that i never really knew.

waiting for you
is both pain and pleasure; pain because of the highly probable occurrence of a tampo derived from a continuous probability density function of what I can do wrong or what i cannot do right, and, of course, aahh pleasure—pleasure of the tiniest hope, as improbable but not as unlikely of a thousand angels standing on a tip of a needle, that a smile will escape from your bed of roses lips. a laugh will make all earth tremble with joy. a kiss will bring down the heavens. as you are both heaven and earth. mine alone.

_____
for your birthday. may the star shine brightest upon you tonight.

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15:26 | last week

  • ONE. i called my mom on her birthday. i do not think she was really ecstatic of the call because she was late for work. i decided to bring her cake when i go home this weekend.

  • TWO. i think my work is robbing me of my creative [and other] juice. there is nothing to complain about! well, except, maybe, for the idea of windows vista and me working together. go open-source!

  • THREE. the loveable but adik--and i say it so endearingly--office-mate at room 3** considers me a joke. our other officemate-friends agree. and i am not complaining. but i think i should refrain from clowning around over lunch.

  • FOUR. i just laughed when the boss-mentor offered me to present the first part of his paper for an international forum of academics and technocrats. we were drinking coffee with our cake then with other members of his staff. i just realized how stupid i am to let that one pass.

  • FIVE. my three officemate-college friends and i decided to buy cake after a long week with our bosses [of course i have no complains about mine]. we concurred to make it a bi-weekly habit. i christened our cake group the order of the red ribbon. next time will be chocolate!

  • SIX. i was losing sight of why i chose where i am, and not a suit-and-tie job somewhere else. after around 15 shots of vodka i came around a liveable explanation: "men do not live on bread alone." but surely later i have to reconsider.

  • SEVEN. i was so drunk last night i made a fool of my self speaking lines from Mulan as you was watching the animated movie. we were both laughing. "ang kulet mo talaga!" you said. i beg to differ. mas makulet ka.

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16:06 | i am amikus

despite a cup of coffee, one large shake, three variants of chocolate cake and five glasses of water, i still am not feeling well. three days and two nights have i been nurturing this gnawing feeling that something is amiss. and the beautiful part is that i cannot pinpoint which part of this world is wrong. the more beautiful part, though, is the knowledge that if ever i realize which is wrong, i won't be able to do anything about it anyway. desperation is creeping over me. and i am not fighting back.
something is amiss. i am falling apart. again.


vampire amikus has risen from the grave.

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